"Teeter Totter"

As I walk in my own strength, I am unbalanced, teeter tottering to the left and to the right. On either side of me is electrified walls. The walls represent my personality, or for an even closer look, my attitude towards others. As I walk with the legs of a frightened child, I begin to fall left. I get caught up acting one way and I get electrified. When I try to my move, I push so hard away from one wall, I have no balance; so I fall right on to the other, acting a different way and getting electrified. This happens so much my body is burned with the pain of mirroring my surroundings consequences. I fall on the ground after being defeated, bruised, crying, dying, weak. As I attempt to stand, it takes a strength that I am unaware of, a strength I have never had, to lift me to my feet. From there, I continue to walk to my destination...

Another vision I had from God as I was falling asleep. The walls can mean anything to anyone, but for me it represented an internal conflict that I fight daily. A conflict of hiding a truth, or avoiding acting like my parents, when I do it anyway. Its trying to do things with my own strength when it is not enough to overcome what ails me or pains me. At the end of the story, i begin to stand, but I don't understand how. This is what God wants. This is when I must trust in God to come and help me stand, stand in my own character created by him. And by standing

I mean growing from a foundation set by him that I may not slip or fall. God equips me with some Nike boots you know? Something that can withstand terrain, and weather, and assist me as I climb. As I climb to the mountain top, I must remember my growth is not at the top, but in the journey to the top. And as I keep my balance and I stand on his foundation, even if I do slip, I haven't noticed the distance between me and the walls have separated. They have separated so far, that I no longer hit a wall when I fall, I just get slapped by my foundation I was standing on. That way, I can remember what it took to stand, and how to walk again. And as I walk, I can climb again. All this until I reach my destination...

"Another Question"

when does the line get crossed between determination and obsession? curiosity and stalking? can i honestly be determined to seek this person's companionship, or am i obsessed with their essence? am i simply just curious about this person's behavior and character, or am i seriously stalking them? How can I justify my intentions? Would I be too forward in saying "I can't live without you?" Or should I water down my feelings and just say "You're the best." Do i feel this way because I am tired of frivolously dating and I am ready for something real? Or is it because this person genuinely makes me feel a way no other woman has?

"Keep it 100"

So I am sitting in my room watching an old movie called "She's All That" and I want to share a vision with you. In the movie, there is a bet with the main character Zack and his friend that Zack can't  take any girl from school and make her the prom queen (shout out to lil wayne) in six weeks. Zack accepts the bet and begins to court Laney. Of course Laney is unaware of the bet, but Zack is hanging out with her all the time, taking her places, so on and so forth. He puts on a facade that he likes her and she believes.  This is where it gets interesting. Zack begins to fall for Laney without realizing it. Story ends with Laney winning the prom and initially not liking Zack because she found out about the bet, but eventually forgiving him.

Here is my vision, how do you determine whats the truth and whats a lie when you yourself begin to believe it? Is it still a lie when you have created memories in your head you believe to be true because they are so vivid and real? Is it still a lie if at some point you see the truth in your lies? Zack began to lie to her that he liked, but when he saw the truth about her, he began to like her. So did he really lie to her in the beginning? Or was he lying to himself the whole time about whats beautiful to him and whats not. What interests him in a woman and what doesn't. 

To add more to the story, Zack is initally dating whats considered to be the hottest girl in school. Does he really believe that she is the hottest girl in school? Or is it because everyone else tells him she is that he begins to believe what others consider the truth, neglecting his own morality. My vision is myself. When I look in the mirror, am I who i say I am? Am I lying to myself? And in doing so, do I begin to believe the lie to the point where I tell others the same lie? Or does it become the truth because I live my life like it is. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, must be a duck right?

For the longest time I was pretending to be someone I am not. And I believed it so blindly that I was no longer pretending, and thats who I became. But thank God I never forgot who I really was and after waking up and smelling the coffee on day, I began to regain my prior personality. So at the end of the day, if you don't want to get lost in a web of deception, just keep it 100 from day one.

"Defense Mechanism"

In the movie the day the earth stood still, there was a robot that only activated in the presence of violence. When violence erupts, its activate as well. The robot comes to the intended victim's distress and protects them from harm. I have just realized my defense mechanism is anger. Very bad move on my part. Whenever my emotions feel threatened, my anger automatically kicks in to protect me. When I am angry, I am inconsolable, aggressive, productive, violent. An overall danger to myself and others. Though these things are often promoted by others as tools, my use is strictly as a weapon. I use these things to defend myself and I will use any means necessary to do just that, even if it means physical contact with others, i.e., fighting. Also another bad move by me.

Last night I had this realization because God sent my bestfriend to remind me of a biblical story that I am all too familiar with. Now, she began to chastise me and give me her version of what the story means, and to my emotions, she did it in an aggressive way that threatened them. So of course, my anger activated and I immediately began to get irritated and I wanted to defend myself. But instead of doing that, because I was thinking to myself that's just the enemy, I decided not to speak at all and I told her good night and went in the house before any other dangerous action was performed, because I could feel it coming.

I don't think God is always trying to chastise you if you get out of line, I think sometimes God catches you as you fall and welcomes u with open arms like the prodical son. My best friend presented the story to me as if God is angry with me. But I don't that's the message he wanted to send. I have felt distracted lately and I need direction. The story speaks of a storm and how Jesus disciples were uneasy about it. They began to become so afraid they awake Jesus and demanded he do something about the storm. Jesus rose and told the storm, "Chill out, I'm trying to sleep!"Ok no, that's not really what Jesus said. He said, "Peace be still." He than began to chastise his disciples and said "oh ye of little faith." He told the disciples many things and his point was, how can you be worried about some storm when you have gone through much worse? How can you stand in fear when I have been with you through everything else, just as I sit now beside you in this boat?

For me, that storm is like my environment right now. There are things taking away from my focus on God and my goals because it has some pleasure to it, while others seems like nothing is working out as planned. God wanted to remind me that he is simply, but profoundly that; God. Do not let the things around you deter you from believing you will not reach your destination. Do not let temptation distract you from what's rightfully yours. Have faith in me and that I will direct your path, even in the midst of a storm. Have faith in me that I will be the lamp unto your feet and I will show you the way. You asked me for direction, well here I am, directing you. Now all that's left to do is follow me. Just follow me. Just simply, follow me. Yes you are of little faith, but all children are. All it takes is one step on that staircase, even if you can't see where it leads. Because faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. All I ask is you have faith in me. I can show you wonders, just have faith in Me.

"Do You Remember The Time"

Michael Jackson said it guys and you know it. Do you remember the time we fell in love? Well, thats not what todays focus is. Todays focus is confusion. I had an recent event occur once and I want to ask the audience their opinion or theory. I was over my ex crib and long story short feelings came back that I haven't had in years. All because I was "remembering the time I fell in love." Now nothing happened of course, but I didn't realize that I had a soft spot for her at time until I was arguing with her about the situation through text because I was working (another fatal mistake). So after telling her that among other things, I told her I didn't want to hang with her anymore because its painful and I am setting myself up cause I am confusing myself. Now I have not spoken to her since and the way the conversation ended, sounded like she wasn't pleased with what I wanted in the end cause it seemed dumb to her and that I was possibly overreacting. Am I wrong for this? I mean really. I made a decision based on past situations and experiences by not just myself but others as well. So I did what I felt was best for me. Someone tell me what the deal is.